TheRhetoricAndTreasonOfSayingThatI'llMissYou.....'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar] TheRhetoricAndTreasonOfSayingThatI'llMissYou..... [ website | death::after::texas ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[17 Dec 2003|08:22pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | radiohead ] add my new journal. radio_signals. ****

there is a little of you in me, and visa versa... [16 Dec 2003|08:15pm] [ mood | calm ] i hate to do this, but this is the revied and edited version of the same story. i messed with the tenses, and messed with the story some, i added some and took parts out. i hope you enjoy, your mature critisim would be genuinly appriciated. thanks, zaki. I am Jack's heart. I am Jill's will. “…..the blame was found, you got it.” This was when he noticed that the tables had turned on him. Dragging his self-esteem behind him, he did the only thing that he could do, the only thing he had left; he walked out of that room. Everything they came to be and how it came to end began out of the corner of their eyes, and ended staring at their shoes as they walked away; a story of two young lovers who learned to live without one another. The pang of hearts would rattle inside their chests as they would raise their fists to the air. This poignant story started nine months ago, in the cold Florida winter of December. It was a mischance that these two should ever meet, and proved that it should have stayed that way. Regardless there was an instant attraction and infatuation that was based on a yearning for a distraction. Their escapism would reap everything that neither of them ever wanted. Although there was much shame and hurt involved intertwined with their relationship, after everything else she was the last one to strike. This was the beginning; they saw each other from separate corners of the room, and out of the corners of their eyes. Never uttering a word to the other they were friendly strangers. They knew of each other’s existence, but insisted on treating the other as glass. Resilient and absolutely stunning; she was a sight to behold for those with no hope. Sweet and utterly charming; he was the boy who could take her away from her life. He played his part. This was a romance forged on the butchers’ table. Their silence was nurtured for weeks, until a mishap placed them in close proximity. Still they remained intent on pretending the other didn’t exist. So it stayed that way; keeping the other in their blind spot. They were both nervous for no reason and were shut off from the other for no other reason than the simple fact that they were not acquainted, and had no medium to make them associated. It took a pen drop to break the silence between them. “Thanks.” “No problem. I’ve seen you around, what’s your name?” knowing full well what her name was, he did not want to appear as if he listened in on others’ conversations, or even stayed coherent during roll call, and played ignorant to the friends that called her name out. She was braver than he. She knew and spoke his name. They became comfortable with each other as the days went on. Blushing was common. He drew her a picture. They both knew where this was going, where they wanted it to go, but they were both willful. They remained willful for the next month. The move was casual and discreet but he got what he was looking for; some communication outside of the workplace. It was at a show at a local record store. It was business as usual; they were back to their flirtatious moods. They ditched the show for a chance to sit under the twilight of streetlights and share some words and coffee. They were drunk off of each other that night, things were beautiful. They both decided a kiss would be a necessity while sitting in his car in her driveway, they were both scared to say goodbye, scared that this event was coming to an end, scared that this feeling, a moment like this, would never return. Living in the moment, leaving his stubbornness at the show, he checked the clock and kissed her. The high point was 3:25AM. How could something so full become empty? He did his magic. A week of copy-cat moments passed, she grew deeper in love, and he felt the walls closing in on him, so he walked away from her. He said he got ahead of himself, but he loved her. He knew he would love her since he met her four months ago. He did love her. She loved him. But it wasn’t working. A long week or two passed sans communication. They returned to that perpetual routine of turning heads, and avoiding eye contact. He was a better actor than she. She needed him in her life. The idea that he didn’t wake up lonely was thrown on the walls by the every move of his body. But he, too, missed her. After a month of steadily reforming their friendship, a friendly outing was due. They went to the drive-in. They found themselves wrapped up in each other. It was cued to kiss her. He whispered in her ear that he would not change his mind. He intended to not change his mind, but it’s odd how what one intends to do can be changed. After a week of pre-packaged moments, he decided once again that it was time to move on. Her eyes were pre-packaged and welled up in tears. She saw it coming, but she would do anything to be with him. She was a screaming child in his wake; she knew that she could do nothing to stop what was coming, so she broke down. She knew he was paper in the wind. He swore that “We’ll look back and laugh…” And she said that, “Once is your fault, and twice is mine.” She stood in pieces thinking of how he was talking at her, times like this when he seemed stoic, and she was the pin cushion. Times like this when she knew that he could not talk to her, he could only talk at her, like he was expressing himself in her general direction, reminiscent of the times when they didn’t react to each other entering a room, when they were just another warm body with a face and a name. She wanted to walk away, but couldn’t. But she knew something she was once so sure about began to falter. She loved him. He loved her. And once again she was left out holding sand; no matter how strong she held on to him, he always just slipped through the cracks. They remained friends, but she could not overcome him, and he went in search of things he yearned for. All she could do is sit and wonder why he wasn’t looking in her direction for the things he wanted. The weather was hot when he decided that she was what he needed. He told her after the first night, “We’ve only just begun….” She was praying that he was correct in saying that. That night they were disoriented at the lips of each other. Like clockwork, their relationship was dismantled by his hands. To her, he was the world’s greatest night, and the morning’s worst hangover. She fell out of love with him, and she fell for days. When she hit, she awoke in her bed, she had been there for weeks, drowned in her tears, she died and was reborn. She knew what she must do so she said, “The curtain was closing.” He didn’t believe her; she had said something along those lines before. He loved her. She still loved him, but she no longer needed him in her life. She found someone else, and she loved him. He swore that it could have been anyone. She was in love to spite him. He was jealous. If those were her motives, they were working. One night he dreamt of a house of mirrors, and he saw who he had become from the fragile, innocent, little soul he once was. His actions were self-destructive and self-corrosive. He stole his own tenderness. He discovered many things about himself, and day-by-day he discovered who he wanted to be. She was lucky in love. He became the person he needed to be a little too late. He was in love with her, and he knew it was too late. He found himself at a local show at one of the record stores when they arrived. He turned his head to greet a friend of his and out of the corner of his eye he saw him kiss her hand. At the same moment she turned her head to greet his heart dropping to the floor. She saw him well up that night, she looked at him, with a condescending, apathetic look on her face and mouthed the words that would echo is his brain forever. “…the blame was found, you got it…” Later that night she told him secrets, and she told him that “One day we’ll look back on this and laugh…” She was a reflection of his mistreatment and she told him that, “You did it to yourself.” Her words were unforgiving, and shown him the sad truth. He fell out of love with her, he fell for days and days, and when he awoke he lay in my bed. Life is about timing, some have it. I don’t. by:zaki jarrah 17stars|****

[16 Dec 2003|06:59pm] [ mood | accomplished ] this has been moved. 12stars|****

the lament of pretty baby... [14 Dec 2003|10:44pm] [ mood | pissed off ] dont call me pretty baby anymore. jerkface. you are my lifes greatest headache. 2stars|****

sometimes... [14 Dec 2003|09:51pm] [ mood | sympathetic ] [ music | the mars volta ] my life fits together like a car accident. losing all hope is freedom. i saw, more like heard, a bad car accident on the way home, it was in the intersection, and both cars were running yellow lights, and it was bad looking. it sounded like death, i had my music blaring, and all i heard was this metal crunch. but everyone was alright, it at least seemed that way. sometimes life is like a train wreck, or death. everyone just has to look, no one respects the others right to greive. i couldnt look away. it just that human blood lust(i.e. rotten.com etc.). it's sad, but thats human nature. 2stars|****

love and live are only one letter apart.... [14 Dec 2003|01:56pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | as you wish ] the mars volta cd is what i live for. i'm really running out of things to say. but i do love the idea that we will be recording in about 10 days. ****

boy wonder, faithless, joyless, hopless.... [13 Dec 2003|05:24pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | radiohead ] i'm starting to wonder... *whats going on. *if there is any hope for me. *why we arent famous yet, i mean, one word: celine dion. is there really no room for us? *where my life is taking me. *why i am looking at the big picture. *why i hurt the ones i love. *why i like wake. *why i am tired all the time. *when we can play a show at johnson sound. *when i can get my cab. *who you have been kissing. *why you arent kissing me. after a nap from 2-5, this is all that comes to mind. ****

i think i'm deleting my lj soon... [10 Dec 2003|09:34pm] [ mood | apathetic ] i n f o r m a t i o n 1. name: zaki kamal jarrah 2. single or taken: single 3. sex: male 4. birthday: march 15th 5. sign: piecies 6. siblings: brother, sami 7. hair color: brown 8. eye color: green-ish 9. shoe size: 12 10. height: 6'4 11. favorite foods: soy burgers 12. hometown: lakeland, fl r e l a t i o n s h i p s 1. who are your best friends?: mark, clint, brantley 2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no 3. did you send this to your crush?: no 4. did your crush send this to you?: no 5. longest relationship?: 6 months 6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: 3 7. how many people have you kissed?: haha, dont know 8. are you shy around your crush?: no 9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: used to 10. still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with?: shit... 11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: yeah 12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: yeah f a s h i o n | s t u f f 1. where is your favorite place to shop?: cheapest 2. have any tattoos or piercings?: no 3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: jeans, t-shirts 4. what is a must have accessory?: uhhhh, watch.....? 5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: 20 for a shirt 7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: ... 8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: me 9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: no 10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good?: pleather jacket 11. what are you wearing right now?: jeans, button up shirt 12. how many pairs of shoes do you own?: 3 13.what is the worst trend you see today?: bandanas s p e c i f i c s 1. do you do drugs? 2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: whatever 3. what are you most scared of?: i'm not really scared 4. what are you listening to right now?: nothing 5. who was the last person that called you? dont remember 6. where do you want to get married?: reno 7. how many buddies are online right now?: 36 8. what would you change about yourself?: nothing 9. what are essentials in your life?: music, deathaftertexas, family 10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be?: to release the rock inside od me. haha 11. what nationality are you?: jordanian/michigander, haha 12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: no h a v e | y o u | e v e r 1. given someone a bath? no 2. smoked?: 3. bungee jumped?: no 4. made yourself throw up?: no 5. skinny dipped?: yeah 6. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: no 7. cried when someone died?: yeah 8. fallen for your best friend?: no 9. been rejected?: yeah 10. rejected someone?: yeah 11. used someone?: yeah 12. been used?: yeah c u r r e n t 1. hair: long, parted on the side 2. music: radiohead 3. make-up: n/a 4. annoyance: stuff 5. scent: cold swear 6. favorite artist: john from the weakerthans 7. favorite group: radiohead 8. desktop picture: deathaftertexas 9. book you're reading: nothing 10. cd in player: atdi 11. dvd in player: n/a 12. color of toenails: .... c h r i s t m a s | w i s h | l i s t 1. go to nashville with my band and record a cd. done. 2. JCM 1960's 4x12 cab 3. wireless system 4. ..... 5. ..... 2stars|****

bored||derob [08 Dec 2003|09:35pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | thinking of you ] THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH: 01 | Ali G 02 | cliff 03 | meredith ------------------------------------------------------------ THREE THINGS I LOVE: 01 | guitar 02 | music 03 | deathaftertexas ------------------------------------------------------------ THREE THINGS I HATE: 01 | dishonesty 02 | music with no musicianship 03 | my poor decision making ----------------------------------------------------------- THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND: 01 | the things i do 02 | why i am in love with radiohead 03 | science, and people who believe in most of that garbage ----------------------------------------------------------- THREE THINGS ON MY DESK: 01 | two dollars 02 | musicians friend magazine 03 | nora's breakfast club cd ----------------------------------------------------------- THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW: 01 | listening to radiohead 02 | talking 03 | trying to figure out "thinking about you" on guitar ----------------------------------------------------------- THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE: 01 | skydive 02 | become a rockstar 03 | (i'll include this as before i die) die in a theatric and spectacular way. ----------------------------------------------------------- THREE THINGS I CAN DO: 01 | play guitar 02 | sing 03 | kick ass ------------------------------------------------------------ THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY: 01 | stoic(most of the time) 02 | mature 03 | ass-like(at times) ------------------------------------------------------------ THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO: 01 | play piano 02 | play soccer well 03 | get over it. ------------------------------------------------------------ THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST: 01 | whatev. 02 | dammit 03 | (i dont know....) ------------------------------------------------------------ THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS: 01 | morningstar farms soy burgers 02 | cheese fries 03 | almost anythign italian. ----------------------------------------------------------- THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN: 01 | piano 02 | drums 03 | to speak arabic ------------------------------------------------------------ THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARY: 01 | water 02 | water 03 | water ------------------------------------------------------------ THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID: 01 | dude ranch 02 | clarissa explains it all 03 | the simpsons 9stars|****

music is me. [07 Dec 2003|10:39pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | radiohead ] today we(deathaftertexas) practiced. it was amazing. i cant wait to record in nashville. 17 more days. 3stars|****

kl;jgkl;aglafjghlkadjlh; [06 Dec 2003|01:42pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | cursive ] Name Four Bad Habits You Have: being an ass, biting nails, baing an ass, not caring. Name Four Scents You Love: the smell on the inside of my firebird case, lumber, girls, home Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now: JCM 4x12 Cab, my band, radiohead, ********. Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink: water.... First Grade Teacher's Name? Mrs. Boston Last Words You Said: whatever, bye. Last Song You Sang? sink to the beat Last Person You Hugged? dont remember Last Thing You Laughed At? that thind that i was sad over. Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It? meant it then, but it dont mean a thing now. Last Time You Cried? What's In Your CD Player? cursive What Color Socks Are You Wearing? black What's Under Your Bed? nothing What Time Did You Wake Up Today? 715 Current Taste? blood Current Hair? longish, parted on the side. Current Annoyance? my small cab Current Longing? JCM 4x12 cab Current Desktop Picture? deathaftertexas Current Worry? money, recording, relationships. Current Hate? i dont hate anything Last CD You Bought? i didnt buy it, but my manager gave me a CD from his old band; nora's breakfast club.1 Favorite Place To Be? on the road driving like last night. Least Favorite Place? school If You Could Play An Instrument? besides guitar, i wish i knew how to play piano well Favorite Color? blue Do You Believe In An Afterlife? i dont know yet How Tall Are You? 6'4 Current Favorite Word/Saying? bye. Favorite Season? winter Favorite Day? saturday Where Would You Like To Go? poland What Is Your Career Going To Be Like? rockstar How Many Kids Do You Want? dont even want to think about that Favorite Car? 70's crown vic A Random Lyric: my heart is full up like a landfill... ****

i found something in me... [04 Dec 2003|10:25pm] [ mood | alright ] [ music | nora's breakfast club ] Our Great Depression. Science and numbers are out to take the love from life. they talk with the aim of saying, that the stars and streetlights stutter from the density. They've been telling me for years, that I sit on atoms, I breathe in ions, and that I feel through electricity sparking in my brain. You look for that golden number and you know it will figure you God's name, perfect circles, symmetry, and diagnosis of love and infatuation Looking for formula's of sad keep your head up you search for signs of life, it isn't in chemical reactions We are all slowly learning you remain stubborn, and fearful you looks for answers as to why you are willing cry over love lost You wish to know answers why the poor can prosper in every sense of the word excluding banking accounts, and automobiles Wanting to explain wind and weather wanting to know the migration patterns of whales among other genus/species, and why they return to nursing waters, well maybe it was just time to go home. Tell me why I trip over my words with her, tell me why home just feels better, stop telling me that trees live off of our exhaust. You remain headache-prone trying to explain that which cant be burning the myth that depression can be cured without pills. Well, I, for one, remain optimistic for our race. To stop cutting up open ranges, cutting down rain forests, and filling up life-filled lakes for plaza's, shopping centers, and eateries. To stop killing off our hearts and souls and feelings in replacement of facts, dates, and allusions to biology scriptures. I remain hopeful. by: zaki jarrah. 7stars|****

our plastic love.... [03 Dec 2003|10:00pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | radiohead ] She looks like the real thing. She tastes like the real thing. My fake plastic love. But I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If I just turn and run. And it wears me out, it wears me out It wears me out, it wears me out. 1star|****

i've got the smile of a lonely man...... [02 Dec 2003|09:12pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | talk show host ] sometimes i think that when i surround myself with wonderful music i am just a flat out happy person. i could honestly listen to radiohead in a loop forever. i'm discovering more favorite songs and one-liners everyday. everyother song is their best song, and i cant stand to change a song in the middle of it. it's simply amazing. FIRST REAL KISS: christian. FIRST JOB: steak and shake. FIRST SCREEN NAME: buddah928. FIRST SELF PURCHASED ITEM: some pogs at the flea market. FIRST FUNERAL: uncle salim. FIRST PET: beta fish and a turtle. FIRST PIERCING : n/a. FIRST TRUE LOVE : meredith. FIRST BIG TRIP : houston, tx. LAST BIG CAR RIDE: davidson, nc. LAST GOOD CRY: a few weeks ago. LAST MOVIE SEEN: pi. LAST FOOD CONSUMED: soy burgers. LAST PHONE CALL : i didnt know the number that showed up on my phone. LAST TV SHOW WATCHED: simpsons. LAST SHOES WORN: old reeboks. LAST CD PLAYED: OK Computer. LAST ITEM BOUGHT: i'll change it to "last real item bought" and i'll answer a GIBSON FIREBIRD V. LAST DISAPPOINTMENT: about 5 days ago. LAST SODA DRANK: trying to steer clear of soda. LAST ICE CREAM EATEN: butter peacan. LAST SHIRT WORN: black one. 14stars|****

done and done.... [01 Dec 2003|07:38pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | radiohead ] some people have lots to say, i, on the other hand..... ****

it's a risk we take.... [30 Nov 2003|10:33pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | cursive - after the movies ] after two days of feeling like shit, sometimes you just have to stop. i havent a complaint in the world. 2stars|****

this is what i know..... [29 Nov 2003|01:24pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | atdi ] whats done is done, it's time to pick up and move on. i'm done being sad, it's been too long already. 1star|****

i wonder what comes next..... [27 Nov 2003|11:11pm] [ mood | anxious ] i've said everything i can in my defence.

ice cold. [27 Nov 2003|02:23pm] [ mood | ice cold ] [ music | radiohead ] to further saturate the internet with 'things to be thankful for'; i am, in fact, thankful for; All my friends and family Especially Mark, Brantley, Clint, Cliff, and Eddie1 Surprizingly, my merdiocre past with Meredith(it was fun while it lasted) All those who have faith in me Radiohead At The Drive-in My firebird My amp morning star farms spicy black bean soy burgers SNL Family Guy My newly discovered natural distortion. death.after.texas Our new song Driving(with the windows down) The word; Phsyche loive(spelled that way) RIBOFLAFIN, or RIBOFLAVIN Cursive Singing Piano Guitar Music Rock and Roll My life I am not thankful for all the friends i have lost. I'd brave those morning passes, And you'd skip your morning classes. 7stars|****

EFF WHY EYE..... [26 Nov 2003|02:06pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | open heart ] for the record, i am not sad at all. so, you can stop being happy about my 'sadness' whenever it feels right to. it's dead dead dead, and i'm over it over it over it. 2stars|****

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